Gravity
by Jamie Sommers
Summary: A one shot. Katniss thoughts about Peeta and their relationship throughout the years. Based on the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles.


**Gravity**

**By: Jamie Sommers**

**Something I wrote while listening to Sara Bareilles song Gravity. It just reminded me of Katniss and how she could've felt during the course of her relationship with Peeta. Total fluff and written for my own amusment. I own nothing, but I did borrow it for the sake of entertainment. **

**Listen to the song while you read. It kind of goes hand in hand. **

_Lyrics to Gravity:_

_Something always brings me back to you_  
_It never takes too long_  
_No matter what I say or do_  
_I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone_

_You hold me without touch_  
_You keep me without chains_  
_I never wanted anything_  
_so much_  
_Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain_

_Set me free,_  
_leave me __be_  
_I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity_

_Here I am_  
_and I stand so tall_  
_I'm just the way I'm supposed to be_  
_But you're on to me and all over me_

_You loved me 'cause I'm fragile_  
_When I thought that_  
_I was strong_  
_But you touch me for a little while_  
_And all my fragile strength is gone_

_Set me free, leave me be_  
_I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity_

_Here I am and I stand so tall_  
_I'm just the way I'm supposed to be_  
_But you're on to me and all over me_

_I live here on my knees_  
_As I try to make you see_  
_That you're everything I think I need_  
_Here on the ground_

_But you're neither friend nor foe_  
_Though I can't seem to let you go_  
_The one thing that I still know_  
_Is that you're keeping me down_  
_You're keeping me down_

_You're on to me, on to me and all over_

_Something always brings me back to you_  
_It never takes too long_

**Gravity**

It's been two years since we entered the Games. Two years since my world was turned upside-down. Two years since I met him. I knew him my whole life, but I never actually met him. He saved my life. My family's life, but I never spoke to him and he never spoke to me.

He tried to be my friend before we went into the arena, but all I did was question it. There had to be some form of motivation behind it. It couldn't just be kindness, but it was. And there was a motivation behind it. He loved me. I was loved. I pretended to love him to save our lives. But he had no pretense. He just felt it. I could tell whenever he would hold me at night. I kept questioning it, but deep inside I knew that the arms that held onto me at night, keeping me safe, were holding me because they wanted to. Not because they had to.

We survived the first arena, but the nights, the long nights afterwards were so hard. I tried to pretend I didn't need him. That when I lay in bed at night, it wasn't his arms that I wanted around me. How could I? They were only there for a moment in my life. A few nights at the most, but what I felt during those nights were more than anything I could have hoped for. So I lay here at night, missing the feeling of his arms, his heart beating underneath my ear. The warmth of his body next to mine.

There's snow now. It's so cold outside and it's freezing in my room at night. Not because of the lack of heat. We're rich now, so coal is something we can afford. If anything we buy more than we need in case we need to send some home with someone not as fortunate as us. Hah. Fortunate. I don't feel fortunate. I feel alone and needy. This is not who I am. I wish he would just leave my mind alone for a moment. Just give me a break. But there's no such luck.

We leave for the tour today and I'm plagued with the visit I received earlier in the day, but across the little area of our village he stands there waiting for me. I have to run to him. I have to look like I'm in love, but once again I feel like I'm being forced into it. Why can't I just figure out how I feel on my own? Why can't the country let me be? Why do they have to be so engrained in my life? Why do I feel warmer lying in a bank of snow with him underneath me, than I have in all the nights I've spent at home in a heated house?

Nightmares come more often than not. I hate them. They won't leave, so I lie in bed, drugged up from some pill that makes the dreams more vivid and again I hate the life that I'm living until he knocks. I hate that I let him in. That I let him take me in his arms again and that I don't fight the feelings that flow through me. In his arms I can be weak. I can cry and not be judged. In his arms I can let myself be a young woman and not pretend to be something I'm not. I can just be me. A me I've never known before. With the sunrise he leaves and he takes with him all of my strength. All of my confidence. He doesn't know this and I won't tell him. I can't. It's all a game. I'm still playing, but he's not. He never did play.

Train stop after train stop I put on a happy face. Night after night I cry myself to sleep and wait for his arms to wrap around me. Love? I don't know. Need? Absolutely. I need him and it drives me nuts knowing that. This is not the girl I was before the Games. I was strong. I was tough. I was independent and now I rely on him, but I can't tell him that. Though I think he guesses this is the truth. He doesn't let me know that he can read my mind, but I know he can. When I need him to speak, he speaks. When I need him to just be there, he is. No questions asked.

We're going back into the arena and I must find that girl that said, "I volunteer as Tribute." She's nowhere to be found. I can't let him baby me. I can't let him in because then I would crumble for sure. He must know this because he's so distant. So distant. Deep down inside I wish he would stop knowing me so well.

Trains. I hate them and I love them at the same time. I hate them because of the destination, but I love them because I know he'll always be here with me and he'll come to me at night. There are no parents to stand in our way. No other man to vie for my affections. There's just me and him. Him and I. Attendants, mentor, prep team… None of them exist in the moving vehicle and that night... That one night on the train, he comes. We watch the Quell and I go to bed, but he's there within minutes with that look on his face. No words come out of his mouth because I don't need them. I know he needs me as much as I need him. So I open the door and crawl under the covers. He follows and takes me in his arms. My head rests against his chest and I kiss the spot where his heart beats. He kisses my head and we sleep.

It's been days since I've let him in my room, though he's tried to come, but I don't respond to him. I don't need him. I don't want him. This is a lie, but I try to convince myself it's the truth. Then he does something unexpected and once again he's found his way into my thoughts. When he walks me to my room and tells me he wants to spend the rest of his days with me, I'm elated. I want to go back in time. Go back to the end of the Games and that train ride back to District Twelve that slowly separated us. I want to go back and take back all the time I've wasted, but I can't. All I have is here and now. I have to make it count. Make every moment of our lives matter. I have to try and forget that in two days we'll be back in an arena. We'll be fighting to the death, but we won't fight each other. We don't do that. It's not who we are.

The sun is pink and bright. The water is salty and he's nowhere to be found. I have sixty seconds and I must make it to the cornucopia to grab my spoils. I'll need the bow and arrow to keep us alive. I'll need to get food for us and to kill whoever gets in our way. I didn't expect to have allies, but I do and I'm so grateful when my ally brings him to me. The kiss was damp and salty, but it was enough to let me know he's here with me and he won't leave my side. It's enough to make my racing heart wonder why it's racing.

He almost died. No. He did die, but my ally brought him back to life. He's alive and once again I'm crying. I cannot live without him. He cannot leave me here, because I won't leave this arena without him. I'm not planning on leaving anyway, but I must make sure he does. He deserves to live a long and happy life. Sometimes I wonder if he'll be happy without me, but it's a selfish thought so I push it to the back of my mind.

That night while I'm on guard I can feel his arms around me. He's lying several feet away from me, fast asleep, but I can still feel him next to me. It takes me off guard at times, but I remind myself that it's not just my life I'm watching out for. It's the life of three other people. One actually. The other two must die so he can live, though I'd rather we all leave here alive. I'd like all of us to be able to just go home, but that's not the way it is. That's not what's going to happen.

We've lost a member of our allegiance. She was old and sacrificed her life for ours. I can't thank her enough. So many people I owe in this lifetime, but I'll never get to repay the debt. If she hadn't walked into the deadly fog, he wouldn't be here behind me. I know he's behind me because I can feel his breath on my neck and once again I think of the time I've wasted. I'm so sorry for that. So sorry that I took life, his life, for granted. You would think I'd learn my lesson, but I didn't. I just went back to being selfish and stubborn. If only he knew how much I missed him during that time. If only…

We're a group again. There were six of us, but now it's down to five. Another death of an ally. Too much death. For a moment I think that maybe that's preferable, but then we're left alone on the beach to stand guard and I'm grateful to be alive.

His back is against mine and our fingers meet in the sand. He's trying to convince me that I need to go home and that I should just let him die, but I can't. Why doesn't he understand that if he dies, I'll die too? He doesn't think anyone needs him, but I do. I tell him I do. I tell him I need him and I kiss him.

All of the months I threw away being indifferent, being stubborn. The months that I wasted because I didn't want anyone telling me how to feel. Expecting me to be something I wasn't. I had no clue that I was exactly what everyone saw. I was a young girl discovering love. The kiss took me to a place that was just ours. Back to a train where we could comfort each other in the quiet of the night. To a cave that helped me discover I was able to have emotions I swore off. It took me to a different place in time. One in which we were young and happy. Why did I ever fight this? My heart is racing so fast I'm afraid it will explode. My fingers are in his hair and my mouth is being invaded by his. The warmth of his lips radiates through my whole body and I don't want it to end. I forget there are cameras. I forget that we're in the midst of a death battle. I just let myself be loved. Only for a moment. One moment. In that moment I'm not hard and tough. I'm soft. I'm delicate. I'm a girl in love. Just for that one moment I let myself be engulfed by his love for me and I return it unconditionally. If only it could last forever.

He's gone now. I'm in another district and he's being held as a prisoner of the Capital. I don't know what to do with myself. I try to do what I need to, but I can't. I'm broken. He's gone and the ghosts of him follow me wherever I go. Stop! I need it to stop, but it won't. Somewhere deep within me I don't want it to either. I just want him back. I need him to come back to me. I need him to come home, because without him there is no home.

He's here. I rush to his arms, but he doesn't know who I am. He doesn't remember that he loves me. They've taken him from me. This is worse than him not being here. I can't go to him at night even though he's so close. Can he come back to me? I hope and pray that he'll remember. He'll remember that he loved me once. My eyes close as I try to sleep and tears come, but they're not for what might happen or what I must do to please others. These tears are for the boy I've lost. For the love that he cannot remember and the love I never got to show him. But he knew didn't he? He must've known that it wasn't all for the cameras. It wasn't all a show.

I'm home now, but home is empty. My family is gone. So is his. What I once had nightmares about have multiplied by a hundred. More Games. More deaths. Too many deaths. It's all over now. No more Games. No more rebellion. No more war. Peace is here now, but not with me. I have no peace.

Sometimes I think he knows. Sometimes I think he remembers that he loved me once. That we'd die to protect each other. I question this over and over again until one night…. One night he comes to me. The knock is soft, but I know it's him. I can't breathe. I tried to get him out of my system, but it was useless. He's always there. The Capital tried to take him away, but he's still here. He still loves me. He loves me.

The night he kisses me. He takes away my breath. This is when I find the peace that we fought for. I know that we'll always find our way back to each other.

Yes, my love is real. So is his.

The force between us is impenetrable. A whole country tried to keep us apart, but we still found our way back to each other. Something always brings me back to his arms. Need? Love? Gravity…


End file.
